When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes.
Then I went to look up what commencement meant which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portia’s, and they’re all written in Australian. Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother’s back. But I’m honored that you’ve asked me here to speak at your common cement.
I don’t understand, there must be a purpose and wouldn’t it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God and ask these questions.
And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, and I hadn’t even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town.
And I was living in a basement apartment; I had no money; I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas.
And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here?
And I’m not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, I’m a huge celebrity.